How many times have you heard someone claiming that they’re about to commit suicide? How many times have you thought that they’re only an attention seeker? And how many times have you actually crosscheck whether they’re only seeking for attention or actually screaming for help?

Tbh, I take suicide very seriously, to the point I don’t even mind whether they’re only seeking for attention or not. When someone say to me that they want to commit suicide, I will seriously sit and listen to their problem, and try to help them out with everything I’ve got. Because, the last time I ignore that kind of claim, it turns out to be a cry for help and I wont let that happen again.

Most of people don’t understand what kind of logic they have when they want to commit suicide. I’ve heard one of my friend easily letting someone to commit suicide because she thinks that committing suicide is stupid. She said that a person who come to a decision where they have to end their life is weak. She said that committing suicide is an act of running away from their problems and forget the fact that they have the obligation to solve their own problem.

Meanwhile, I think otherwise.

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Committing suicide takes a lot of courage and not all people can endure the pain of dying. It’s not an act of running away. In fact, people who commit suicide think that ending their life is the only way out of their misery. Claiming that they want to commit suicide is a cry for help because they’re desperate. They actually craving to stay alive, but they can’t find any reason for it.

When you say that people who claim that they want to commit suicide is seeking for attention, you are correct. They need and crave for attention. They need the attention to find a reason to live. That’s why I’m cursing people who use suicide as a threat – for instance, people who publicly spread the news of them hurting themselves as if they’re showing to people how close they are to death.

I, myself, am battling with the idea of ending my life and I know for sure how it feels when I’m desperately crying for help. There are reasons why people like me don’t freely announce our suicide thoughts in social media platforms. It’s not a game and it’s not a joke. We have a lot of consideration before we claim that we have problems with our own mind.

For me, mostly it’s the shame that prevent me. I must admit that every time I want to tell someone about my stupid thoughts, it’s the shame that keep me from doing it. The shame of having that thought, the shame of not being able to stand on my own feet, the shame of gasping for air, the shame of opening my ‘clothes’ so people can me ‘naked’. There are also times when I slipped out and post something about committing suicide – but then, I delete them right away. And most of the times, I cancel the post after I wrote a long-ass speech about committing suicide.

The second reason is because I don’t want to destroy myself by announcing it. By saying it out loud in public, shows that I’m not really serious and I know for sure that no one will take me seriously. From it, I will get judgement and hurtful words and shades – it’s not helping me at all. I will feel devastated and ended up living in my suicide fantasy.

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But, knowing all that, I still cannot ignore someone who announce their suicide thoughts in public. Yeah, I know the difference between an attention seeker and the real deal. I just don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to gamble someone else’s life over tiny things called attention and effort. Sometimes I think, “What if they’re serious? What if they really gonna commit suicide after this? What will happen then?“. Because the difference is so thin, even sometimes I can’t really tell which one is real and which one is fake.

I’m just gonna let you know why is a real deal announce their suicide thought in the end. If I reflect them to me, I understand their reason for announcing it. Why do they make a little time to publish such thing instead of end their life right away?

When someone is about to commit suicide, they always have this one question left in their head: “Is there really no one cares about me?“. They always thought that no one cares about them and no one will hear them scream. But, they’re not really sure about that until they test it out: by announcing their suicide thoughts in public. It’s the only way for them to prove whether they’re right or wrong. Public’s respond is like the determinant for what will happen next. Their life lies upon how public respond to their announcement.

That’s why I don’t want to ignore that kind of announcement. It’s too risky to gamble. If what they really want is attention, then I will give it to them for free. In fact, I don’t really mind when it’s only a joke – well, even tho I will be pissed because their action can cost someone else’s life, the real deal’s life – but my energy and attention isn’t something that matters for me to give to someone who really needs it.

I know how it feels and I’ve been in their position. I know how painful it is when I proved myself right – that no one really cares about me. I love to prove people wrong and I really mean it. And that’s what I do everyday towards real deals, like “No, you’re wrong because I care” kind of stuff.

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Then, a serious question came to me: “If you proved yourself right, then why are you still alive, Kyle?

As harsh as it sounds, I asked the same question to myself. I also wonder what prevents me from killing myself when the shame wont do. Turns out, the real reason for that is because I tried to kill myself and failed. The second reason is because I put real deals (people who are like me) as my reason to live. Tbh, I do this a lot. I am that desperate to stay alive when fighting over my depression that I make real deals as my reason to live. I often seek people who really need my help and ended up being a part of their life. But, as soon as they’re save and comfy, I seek a new person to help. And it goes on and on and on – it’s like my life cycle.

I find it very helpful for me, even though it requires me to not being too attached with the person I help. It gives me a reason to wake up in the morning and being alive. It’s a form of my ego where I feel needed and useful at the same time. Sometimes, helping people can really distract me from my intoxicating mind. For a moment, I forgot about how much I hate myself and what a useless son of a bitch I am. So, if you really want to help me, then lean to me.. tell me your problems, talk to me, let me help you, and trust me to be your listener. When it contains privacy or it’s about something really confidential, give me warnings to let me know (because sometimes we have different type of what we consider as privacy and I don’t want to accidentally slipped out your secrets).

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You don’t have to be like me – listening to every people who come to you. But, at least, do that to people who matters to you, people you love, and people you care. Pay attention, listen to them (sometimes what they need is only an ear who listens instead of finding solutions), know when to talk, feel the room, ask them how they want to be treated, do not hesitate to make physical contact when needed, and purposely make them cry so they let out some of their emotions.

While listening to other people, you have to be the one who’s leading them instead of ask them to lead you. They’re lost and confused, so that’s the logical reason why you should be in charge of the situation. And do not force them to follow your advice (bossing around), instead, give them two or three options for them to consider and try to help them with their choice (leading).

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There’s a reason why I wrote this and it’s because people seem to forget to shut their mouth and listen to other people. Everyone wants to be listened to, so try to put on your ears once in a while. You don’t want your loved one to lose your life because you can’t shut your hole, right? So yeah, don’t be so cheap. Listen and pay attention.

The other reason is to answer someone’s question about my behaviour. That person have been wondering why I do such things to other people while I’m not really in a good shape. Well, I hope this answers your question, love. And I’m sorry for not being able to elaborate my answer, before.

Ciao!

One thought on “Committing Suicide

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